Don't Speak
by JustBreathe15
Summary: Spoilers for episode 4x04! Later that night, after Blaine tells Kurt what he did, Kurt can't find the words to tell him how he feels. So he writes a letter instead. Named for the song 'Don't Speak' by No Doubt which I do not own.


**Plot Summary- After Finn leaves, Kurt writes a letter hoping to sort out his feelings about Blaine. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or it's characters. That belongs to Ryan Murphy. **

**Note: I realize there will probably be a bunch of drabbles about last night's episode so it's but I was so angry about it that this just sort of happened. So, needless to say, if you haven't seen the 'Break-up' episode yet, don't read this! Thanks! Also a big thanks to my beta, irishflute who edited this story, as well my others. She's amazing!**

_Dear Blaine,_

The pen crosses out the two-letter sentence. He flips the paper over to begin a new on the other side.

_Blaine,_

Much better. Colder. Now that he's decided on that, his mind goes blank. The pen is waiting in his grasp but the words refuse to be embedded into the paper. He has a thousand things he wants to say—many more he wants to shout. He can't speak them so he decided to write them instead. It's not really helping. Inside, he's screaming and ripping up the parts of his heart Blaine hadn't managed to break. On the outside, Kurt is speechless.

In the past, Kurt's been told to sing his emotions. Lately, there seems to be a bigger distance between him and singing. Since realizing that his dreams of Broadway may never come true, he's adapted to this new life. A life where he bikes to a 9-5 job—works for a magazine he's read since he was a child and for a woman he's come to see as a mother figure. There he does pretty much everything—answers phones, plans designs, proofreads articles. The closest he's gotten to music lately is listening to his iPod and practicing with Rachel now and again. Unlike before, he doesn't feel the need to grab the solo. It's not his life anymore. What he didn't realize until now was that it was the life he had built with Blaine. Was it coincidental that the gap had grown between them too?

Did that justify Blaine jumping into some guy's pants?

Fuck** no**.

_How could you do this to me? _

The words are down before Kurt realizes he's written anything. Hardly elegant. The women on Dynasty would be so disappointed. That was t.v.—this was reality. Though it doesn't feel that way. He wants to wake up tomorrow and realize it was all a terrible dream. He'll call Blaine on the phone, tell him about his nightmare, and Blaine would gently laugh and assure him that he would never do anything like that. Blaine wouldn't do anything like that. The Blaine he knew wasn't perfect. The boy he crushed on that day in Dalton was nothing like that man who sent him to New York. Fuck, Blaine pushed him to New York! Did he do it for Kurt's best interests like he said he did? Or was that a lie too? Was he screwing around with this boy while Kurt was in Lima? The jealousy builds in his chest and shoots right up to his throat. His jaw clenches as the thought hits him. More words come down on the page.

_I trusted you. I've never trusted anyone like that before, but I believed in you because you made me believe in myself. _

No. Kurt had no idea Blaine was going to tell him this tonight but he knows for a fact that Blaine was still faithful to him when he was at home. Part of Kurt wishes he never knew, but a large, much bigger part, is angry that he didn't see this coming. How could he? Blaine isn't a cheater. Not by nature anyway. No, Blaine is attention-seeking. Blaine wanted approval and thrived on affection. Likely because he didn't get much of it from his family. Why else would Blaine make the leap from safe Dalton to McKinley? It was because in a twisted way, it wasn't enough for Kurt to say he loved him, Blaine needed to hear it. Needed to feel it. No other way would he believe it.

Kurt thought when Blaine let him go to New York, it meant that he had progressed. Instead, the pressure made him crumble. The more he thinks about it, Kurt realizes it wasn't 'how' Blaine could do this to him…but rather why it took him so long to do it. Blaine's greatest downfall wasn't just that he needed attention—but also that he took on more than he could handle by letting Kurt go.

_You say it doesn't matter who he is._

Screw that. Seriously. It mattered. Would it make the heartbreak hurt any less? No. Would it make it hurt anymore? Probably not, but mostly because it couldn't possibly hurt more than it already does. Kurt wants to know because he wants to know what it was about this man that broke Blaine. What made Blaine give in to temptation? Did he look like Kurt? Did he look nothing like him? Was Blaine attracted to him? Or did Blaine close his eyes and pretend it was Kurt? Did he imagine the numerous times they made love? Was this man good to him? Or was he out to use Blaine as much as Blaine seemed to use him? Kurt doesn't even know this man's name but he has never hated anyone more than he did in that moment. The messed up part (among other things) is that Kurt wants to hate him. How dare Blaine rob him of that much after robbing him of everything else!

_It __does__ matter._

Kurt underlines 'does' three times. It seems bland reading over it but Kurt feels like it's the most articulate thing he's written so far, as if that sentence sums up this whole situation. Sebastian didn't matter. Chandler didn't matter. The time Blaine serenaded Jeremiah, the time he kissed Rachel, Karofsky coming onto to Kurt: all those little moments of insecurity paired with so many other fights. That didn't matter. Those things were fixable. This—this is something else entirely. This is Blaine giving someone else something he had only given Kurt and vice versa. This is breaking the promise Blaine gave Kurt when he gave him that paper ring for Christmas. This is every fear Kurt ever had coming true and more. This matters because they can't just get past this. Kurt isn't sure if there's a light at the end of this tunnel. He isn't even sure if he wants to go down that path anymore.

This matters because it changes everything.

_You won't tell me and frankly, that won't fix things. I don't know if anything could ever fix this. Not only did you break my trust in you. You've altered my view of you. The rose-tint glasses have been lifted off my face and now, I can't take the images out of my head._

_When we went to bed and I closed my eyes. I didn't fall asleep. I didn't dream. All I could see was you and him. I don't know what he looks like, but I see him and the things you two did together. It's like a virus—it starts with my sanity and then sneaks into my memories, infecting every private moment we've ever had together. It's to the point if I even try to think of our first time, I think of that disgusting image instead. Read that and tell me 'it doesn't matter.' _

The tears start up again. Kurt doesn't want to cry anymore. His eyes are tired and they sting from all the tears he's already cried. He wants to go back to being that kid he was before glee club and before he knew that Blaine existed. The kid who kept his walls up and didn't let a single person in. At that time, he hardly ever smiled and every act had an ulterior motive behind it. He wants to reclaim the Kurt Hummel who didn't need anyone or want anyone. Who knew what he wanted and how he was going to get it—and planned very much on doing so alone. That kid wouldn't stand for this. That kid would have told him Blaine was a jackass who didn't deserve to be in his presence, let alone his bed. "Let him sleep on the floor like the cheating dog he is. He seems to like it when other people throw him a bone," he imagined that Kurt saying. The kid with baby-fat still looking for a sense of identity but smart enough to keep his heart safe.

In an instant, it felt like that Kurt was writing for him.

_I have to wonder if you would have even told me had I not picked up on the signs. Maybe you would have continued screwing this boy in your bed (where we lost our virginities, by the way) all while I sit here in an office trying to make a life for myself like you told me I should do. I came here because of you, Blaine. You told me it was the right thing to do. You were the one, who pushed me out of the state, and you have the gall-_ he crosses out gall_- balls to tell me I wasn't there? _

If sophomore Kurt was writing for him, why were the tears still falling? That Kurt didn't cry, or rather, he didn't cry over a man. Or at least, not over this one. He couldn't because he didn't know him yet or know the power he could hold over him. It's then Kurt realizes it wasn't that Kurt writing—it was still him. That Kurt grew into this one. He adapted into a role that didn't need to have his defense up so high and could let his emotions out more. In a very strange way, this was the more advanced Kurt—except for one little thing. He changed into this person that needed Blaine. This person that was considering throwing the paper out and going back into his room and climbing back into bed with Blaine. That just didn't work for Kurt on any level. He was willing to make compromises in his life. He could trade Broadway for Fashion. He could give up NYADA for Vogue. He could stop buying designer clothes just so he'd make his half of the rent. It would be a very cold, snowy day in hell before he'd allow himself to compromise his pride for the sake of keeping Blaine in his life. He can't do it. He won't do it.

At the same time, he doesn't want to give up on Blaine. He and Blaine have shared so much together. Tears, laughter, kisses, wishes. They've loved one another with the entire world was against them. They've experienced so many firsts and during each of those moments, Kurt truly believed Blaine would be his last. Kurt envisions his future and he honestly can't see those days without Blaine. It's sewn into his mind like a patch and it's something he used to wear proudly. Now, he wishes he could rip it out and pretend it never existed in the first place. He doesn't what's worse—the pain he feels now or the idea of never having met Blaine at all.

Kurt wipes more tears away. Thankfully, they've stopped. This is a little like therapy to him. He's heard people say that writing is great to do when you're high on emotion. He can't say the ink scribbling across paper takes the taste of 'my-boyfriend-betrayed-me' out of his mouth but it certainly numbs it for a bit. Kurt is starting to think clearly and his insides begin to settle.

_I can take responsibility. I should have made time for you. I should have answered the phone more when you called. Maybe if I had taken more than five minutes, you wouldn't have sought out those feelings from someone else. I can admit that. _

Kurt swallows as the jealously burns his throat. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens them slowly and sees his reflection in the mirror. It's as if the change is occurring before his eyes. Another stage of evolution that was already in progress but is now nearing completion. Somehow, he looks older and wiser than he did when he looked in the mirror this morning. The skyline of the city—the buildings and lights of New York—mix in with his reflection. It's becoming a part of him—this is home now. This is his life now.

There's no Blaine in this reflection. Blaine says he's been seeing him everywhere but there's no grand hallucination for Kurt. Just himself and where he belongs now.

He blinks and looks back down on the paper. The words are written much slower now.

_The thing is Blaine, you weren't drowning. You didn't need anyone to save you from being lonely. You needed to swim through to the other side. There are going to be times in your life where all you'll have is yourself. That's true whether or not I or someone else is with you. I speak from experience. I made it through so many difficult times alone—my mom's death, my dad's heart attack, and my first two years of high school. Did I like it? I hated it. I pushed through it because I thought I would be better for it. I was. I was rewarded with friends, family, and you. You were on the other side. You saved me from being lonely. I'm sorry if you felt like I couldn't do the same, but I might have if you had given me more time. Far be it from me to judge, but 4 weeks is a pretty short amount of time to wait before giving up. That's exactly what you did Blaine—you gave up. I'm more disappointed in that than anything else. _

_Okay, that's a lie. I'm disappointed in a lot of things. The fact is I've given over a year of my life to you. I can't bring myself to throw that away yet, but I don't know if I want any more time either. Frankly, I'm afraid one day we'll get married, have a beautiful house, create beautiful children, and I'll realize after we built this life that it can't take what you did away. _

_I'd like to believe I know you. I know you're not a cheater, but you did cheat. You made that choice but I can't help how I feel about it. You know me too—and you must have known that this wasn't something I would let pass by. Surely, you must have realized after it was all said and done that there was a high likelihood you would lose me. _

_But hey, like you said—it doesn't matter. _

Kurt hands are starting to cramp. His lids are starting to droop now. The rush is gone now. The feeling of strength he had has left him. Now he just feels sad and depressed. The letter can't end like this though. Kurt's hand perseveres through the pain to finish his final thought.

_I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you. Tomorrow, I want you to go home. Pack your things, do what you need to do, but don't talk to me. If you say even a single word to me, I fear the words that come out of my mouth will be "it's over". If you have any hope of preserving this relationship, you'll go home and wait for me to make my choice. If you love me, then you'll __faithfully_—three more underlines for 'faithfully'—_await my answer. I can't tell you that I'll come back. Only that that when and if I do, I won't be the same person I was before, nor will I look at you as I did before. _

_Not one word. Don't speak. _

Kurt considers his final line for a second before he decides to add it.

_Love,_

_Kurt._

He writes it because he still wants Blaine to love him—even if he doesn't love Blaine back anymore. The sad thing is, he knows Blaine loves him. He doesn't doubt that for a second. Somehow, it just makes that he could go through with what he did that much worse.

Kurt shakily folds the paper up and writes 'read me' on its side. He gets up, turns off the lamplight and slowly walks back into his room. His eyes look away from the mass taking over the left side of his bed. He places the note on the end table, folding it so it will be impossible to miss in the morning.

His eyes stray—he sees Blaine's face. A thousand pictures run through his brain. The moment they first met, their first kiss, their first duet, their first dance, their first 'I love you', their first time having sex, their first fight—every first paired with the memories they led to. Kurt's grateful he's too tired to cry again—even if his soul feels like doing so.

With all his might, he pushes those thoughts back and climbs into his side of the bed. Almost immediately, his eyes start to close. A few memories break through and roll around in his head. Kurt lets them run their course until it goes dark and he starts to fall asleep.

It's silent. There's nothing left to say.


End file.
